Is there such a thing?

I was laid off from my job at the end of February. My health insurance from my previous employer expires…uh….um…tomorrow. I’ve applied for the ‘step’ program with Kaiser Permanente. Until I hear back, I am officially – drum roll….hooray?…..UNINSURED!!!

Now, a little history about me. My father and I jointly celebrated our birthdays together on November 18th, 2006. I turned 30 and he turned 60. Exactly a month later he dropped dead. He had a very long, ugly battle with Diabetes, alcoholism and uncontrolled rage for….well….as long as I can remember. He was alone in the house when he died. The severe wind storm that hit the Pacific Northwest in the winter of ’06 took out the power in my parent’s house and the strain that the cold had taken on his body probably induced a heart attack. I was in Los Angeles where I’ve lived for 8 years and thus did not get to say goodbye. We had a very complicated relationship and I regret that we didn’t get to work through any of our issues. I miss him terribly. One of the things that hurts the most is that as I grow older I realize that I’m basically turning into him more and more. I feel like my one kindred spirit is gone. Now I’m sort of left with feeling scared that I’m going to fall into his footsteps of trashing my body, giving in to my every irrational, extreme impulse.

What else about me. I’m an aspiring writer. Read: I drink a lot.

A couple weeks ago I was going on a bender and polishing off a bottle of wine every night and finally had to face reality when I woke up one morning feeling very “wrong.” I thought I was going to die. I spoke with a doctor who was on-call at 5:30 in the morning who basically, with undisguised annoyance, told me that I was fine and I should just speak to my regular GP on Monday. He was an asshole. But at least, I’m not dying.

Since then I’ve finagled my way into getting an appointment for a physical – the wait would have been two months if I didn’t tell the receptionist at my doctor’s office that my health insurance was about to run out (more thoughts on the primary care crisis to follow) – and turns out I’m in good health.

I’ve resolved to take better care of myself or else I’m bound to end up down that same long road of suffering and depression a la mi padre.

The first thing I’ve decided to do in my ‘anti-dad’ health regime is cleanse my system by fasting. I’m now four days in and I’m feeling pretty great. The first few days were tough with varying symptoms of caffeine withdrawal (Jesus, the headaches!), food cravings (oooh…pizza!!)…and low energy. Today I pooped out what I can only describe as the black plague. Now that I’m not housing the Great Pestulence in my bowels, I’m feeling bright eyed and very energetic!

If anyone reading this has tried the master cleanse I’d love to hear about your experiences. I’m gonna go at least ten days. I’ll see how I feel at ten days and possibly go two weeks as I hear that’s when the body really starts to detox and heal. I can already sense that when I’m off this fast I’ll be eating less and craving more healthy foods and hopefully drinking more moderately. Supposedly this fast is supposed to lead to a more focused mind and boost your energy levels. Sounds good to me…

My sense of smell has really sharpened and it’s fantastic! I’ve always wondered what my apartment actually smells like…some weird type of clean-freak paranoia I’m sure. And I’m happy to report, the pad smells like an expensive candle. Yay expensive candles.

Um…yeah. That’s about it. Need a job. Need health insurance. But really, I just want to do what I love for a living and feel well. We’ll see how hard those things are to achieve. For a smart, 31 year old, it really should be a piece of cake…oooh…cake!

to be continued…